Today marks a year since my father passed.
I thought I would be engulfed with grief, but instead I feel kind of empty and dead inside.
There is sadness, and a grasping at memories to not forget, and there's hollowness.
Over the past year, I watched my mom lose herself and how sadness wrapped around her
She has been so lonely, and I have been trying my best to be there
But I also watched her gain her freedom, her joys, her finally being able to live more for herself
I do not know what is better for her, or for us
But I do know we have to accept and move on with life
Truth is, I don't think I will ever be okay visiting my father's grave
It feels too young, too early, too wrong
I remember him finally deciding to fight for his life
and yet how little by little, he whittled away
and how I do not know if it is better for him, or for us
It hurts a lot still
And I know I should seek therapy
I wonder how it's like on the other side
And where my father would be
I hope it is heaven, heaven would be nice
Dear God, be with my father, and be with my family
Love and protect us, guard us from pain.
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