The thing about losing a parent is the survivor guilt you grapple with along with the mini anxiety breaks. I'm not sure how anxiety feels but it happens in moments you think to yourself could I have done better as a daughter - could I have done more - could I have been less resentful - and it feels like you are teleported into a different dimension all by yourself and you zone out for a moment. And you have to pinch yourself back to reality. 

The closer it gets to 100 days, the more the sadness surges. 

I'm so terribly sorry for the loss. You should have cherished your life over money 

But maybe a part of you died forever when you lost your first leg. 

 I grapple with self-reproach and survivor guilt a lot. 

And the thing is I continue to face it almost daily, triggered by any small events. 

I think about how I could have and should have done better as your daughter. That if only I tried to understand you more, communicate with you and pushed myself out of my comfort zone. Perhaps you could have been here with us longer. 

But isn't it so pretentious - the way I wished you never exist in my life ever again and I wanted to get married and move far away from you. 

We never understood each other but deep down we must have loved each other, as father and daughter. 

Because half of me came from you. 

100 days of your passing is fast approaching. It's so crazy that day in day out we are always so busy, and a hundred days is upon us so soon. I don't know how to feel about that but I don't like to talk about it, not even with mom because it makes me cry. 

Since you passed I always make myself remember your voice. Because the people you love and care for never truly die if you keep remembering them. 

Aunt said you broke grandma's heart a lot when you were alive. You broke ours too. But I only want to remember the good things and not the way we all hurt one another. 

Mom has been saying she will be depressed after I get married and move out. I am very worried about her and her health. I wish God can help me to alleviate her sadness and loneliness. I think we should start by getting mom a cat. 

I will take good care of mom like I always do but I need to do even better now because father is no longer around. 

100 days soon, so crazy isn't it. I hate to think about it. 

 3 Mar 11:06pm

I wonder how the bills were paid in the past because my parents don't know much. 

I feel awful thinking of the times you reached out to me for help and I brushed it aside, I always replied you but I always wanted to scoot away too. We were never close and it was uncomfortable for conversations or even physically around you. 

I know I shouldn't feel so bad about myself because I have tried to be there for you and to help you. To lighten the financial burdens of our family. To buy you a meal. 

But I also spent years ashamed of you, ashamed of our family, ashamed of the person I am. 

Now I no longer wish to hide and I bare it all.

Today while eating dinner I thought of you and how you always loved the food mom cooked. 

I wonder if my father is really in heaven but I just hope he's no longer in pain. 

They say healing isn't linear but I sure as hell hope it is.