DOLL

 3 Mar 11:06pm

I wonder how the bills were paid in the past because my parents don't know much. 

I feel awful thinking of the times you reached out to me for help and I brushed it aside, I always replied you but I always wanted to scoot away too. We were never close and it was uncomfortable for conversations or even physically around you. 

I know I shouldn't feel so bad about myself because I have tried to be there for you and to help you. To lighten the financial burdens of our family. To buy you a meal. 

But I also spent years ashamed of you, ashamed of our family, ashamed of the person I am. 

Now I no longer wish to hide and I bare it all.

Today while eating dinner I thought of you and how you always loved the food mom cooked. 

I wonder if my father is really in heaven but I just hope he's no longer in pain. 

They say healing isn't linear but I sure as hell hope it is.