27th May, Sat 2:33am

A moth came to visit. I believe it's my father and he knows I am getting married. Things will never be the same again, but I will always be my parents' little girl. 

I thought I will be happy that I'm getting married but I find myself crying a lot this week. 

It feels like I am leaving my mom and brother behind. 

I am getting married on 28th May and I have saved you a seat. 

Please feel happy for me. 

26th May, Friday. 2:51am

3 days to wedding. 

The nearer we are, the harder it is amidst the joy and anticipation. 

So much has changed in the 5 months you've passed. We feel more liberated, the house is noisier, guests are coming and for the first time in forever the house has warmth. No fear of being scolded by you or the wrath of your anger. But still my happiness is only halved. It doesn't feel right. Not having my father around doesn't feel right. It's like a part of me always hurts, always aches, always guilts and always wants better for you. 

I feel like I've not done enough for you when you were in this world. 

I miss my father and I don't know in which realm he is at. 

Today we paid respects at the altar at home. It feels surreal and tough. I wonder how mom didn't cry, because I really wanted to. 

I always talked to you in the flesh but now I am talking to your urn.

Crazy isn't it? 

I still get little triggers when I see people that look like you, or things that remind me of you. 

I don't think we can ever recover from this. 

I don't think I can. 

This loss I will always bear and carry with me.