DOLL

14 Sept 11:11pm 

I got married as planned on 28 May. My father wasn't there but I saved him a seat. I felt hypocritical - when you were around I was always fearful you would make my wedding an unpleasant one, but without you, it did not feel complete. 

I married a man you detested, simply because he is a Christian. I wonder if deep down you truly hated him, or you were just so angry at your predicament you wanted to throw your anger at everyone in your way. 

I hate that I am not okay at all - isn't it strange - we were never close. Most of the times we were angry at each other, on a few good occasions we were there for each other. Or mainly I was there for you - after you became fragile and helpless. It pained my heart - it pained me how much I wanted to and tried to stay away so I wouldn't experience your helplessness. Now I wouldn't have to anymore. Yet I am not okay. 

I guess I am my father's daughter after all. 

I grew up treading around your fury that when you are gone, the huge wall of silence obliterated me. I read that once you've experienced grief, you start to hold onto and cherish whatever you have even more. I couldn't bear the same for mom, and yet I hope all of us - our whole family - could have banded to make different decisions for your life together. Then again, how could we - you were such a narcissist. 

Sometimes I wonder how my siblings are coping - I wonder how my brother is coping. I worry about him - and I feel sorry I got married so soon. I wish I had more time with them. All I could think of back then was to escape everything I was facing at home. 

I did love my father, and I miss him too. 

It's been 9 months since you left, and I don't think I will ever be okay. I just hope I am better able to deal with it. God, help me.