DOLL

24 January, Tues 8:44pm 

Death looms over the house like imminent dark clouds 

it's the white elephant that lingers in the room 

like an unspoken oath to never mention the person who passed

the way you saw your mother quietly looking at old family photos 

in a corner, forcing a smile acting like everything is alright 

even if the said person is your father 

it's coercing myself to throw fragments of my memories out the window 

but the wound is so raw and it keeps bleeding so much it hurts 

they say nobody really leaves if you never stop remembering them

there's a lot of pain and a lot of regrets 

I wonder if it hurt for my father in his last moments 

I wonder if he was afraid 

I thought about how he was only sixty-six, how painfully young 

I wonder if he knew how thankful I am that he waited

and how deeply apologetic I was for thinking he would be fine 

that he would bounce back time and again, 

as though I had thought my father was ironman 

I was told to grieve in my own way and to let my tears fall  

but I can't; there's some pain that can't be illustrated 

the way it cuts my heart so deeply there's no tears left to cry, just silence 

I am sorry for all the unfilial words and thoughts I ever had towards my father

he was like a thunder I couldn't avoid and I was his heavy raincloud 

I wished things had turned out differently for you and for us 

but till the end I know I should be happy 

it doesn't hurt anymore for you.